Sep 2006

Last night I had a great revelation about myself. I do not have my life figured out. I realize I have been pretending to myself that I know what I believe and where I am headed in life, but this time in training has reminded me that God wants me to keep searching. I need to learn to own my faith, and not just adopt the beliefs of others. I need to start from the most basic beliefs that I hold, and question why I believe them. Do I believe in God, the trinity, salvation and grace, just because that is what I've been taught to believe? I do not want to forgoe all my beliefs, and reject the church and the love of God I have experienced out of fear that they are not my own. But, if I want to have a strong faith, and be able to articulate that in my own words, I must search for answers on my own.
I have lived too long under expectations--the expectations that other people put upon me, but mostly my own expectations. Those have been all I've known, and I'm not sure what it will mean for me to live without expecations. For example, this time in RAD is a completely new setting for me. I am not a leader here, and no one is particularly following me. My teammates do not know me in the context of my acheivements, activities, or family. I am known only as much as I act, or speak about myself. It is hard for me to adjust to this, because I am not exactly sure who I am when people don't have expectations of me.
Sorry for rambling, I am probably not making much sense. This journey that I am on is going to be harder than I thought. It will be so much more than just a cross-cultural experience and learning about community. It is a journey of discovering who I truly am, what I believe, and where God is leading me. Already, changes are happening inside me, even if I can't put my finger on it now. By the time I return from this year, I will be a different person (just to warn ya'll). No, maybe that isn't correct. I will (I hope) be closer to the person God created me to be, the person God is still creating.
Please pray for me as I am on this journey of self-discovery (and through that, God-discovery). I feel that to do this will mean going through a lot of pain and frustration (which I am already beginning to deal with), but that I will find joy in the end. I hope it is indeed a Joyful Journey. I hope I will discover God, and be filled with thanks.

Interesting Activities of the Week:

- Soul Food at Kathy's, a local resturant in our neighborhood here. Great food--smothered chicken, greens, mashed potatoes, fried corn. Very heavy stuff. Had to nap after that huge meal.

- Followed Mama Brenda (Brenda Matthews, our spiritual director)around on Wednesday. For her job, she performs poetry at schools, after-school programs, etc. With her poetry, she tries to promote abstinence. On Wednesday, she collaborated with five other poets at a middle school to talk about the reality of HIV/Aids, and the importance of abstinence. We also went with her to a high school, where she read a few poems to 9th-graders. I must say, the middle schoolers listened better than the high schoolers! They just wouldn't be quiet! It was amazing to realize how huge an issue this is for these kids. I was so pleased to see these adults (Mama Brenda and others) speaking so honestly and 'real' to these kids. Sex-ed at my schools was never this interesting and truthful as to what actually went on. Even though many people would say it is pointless to preach abstinence to kids who are already sexually active, I was inspired by the perseverence of Mama Brenda and her friends who want that to change, and are being a beacon of hope in the midst of a warped culture.

- Linda Shelly, who is the MMN director of Latin American missions affairs (I think that is her title) came and spoke with us on Friday about our outreach locations. How exciting to finally hear some details!! I found out that I will be in the Patagonia region (the southern part) in Choele Choel, a smallish city. There is an active Mennonite church there, who in very involved in mission outreach, and helping start new church plants in Argentina. I will probably get a chance to visit many of these new churches, missionaries who are starting new contacts, and visits to other Mennonite churches around. I still don't know exactly what my work will be--Delbert and Frieda Erb (missionaries down in Choele Choel) will help figure that out as they learn more about my giftings. I could be working with youth and children, teaching English, helping with cooking, and much more. The four of us who are going to Argentina will all be in Choele Choel, but will likely live in separate host houses (which I'm glad about--I'll learn Spanish better).
It is now starting to sink in that I am going to Argentina. Everyone in my house is realizing this too. We've all got CD's and books from the library, and I am currently in our living room, while everyone repeats the words on their own language CD. Spanish and Portuguese. I'm getting inspired to learn now that I have a purpose to learn the language. Once we are in Argentina, we might have a tutor to help us learn, which would be great, but I have a feeling that I will pick up the language pretty fast once I am hearing and speaking it 24/7.
I was a bit worried when I heard that Argentines tend to eat dinner at midnight! I hope I can adjust to the different sleep schedule. Siestas will be vital to my survival.

- Friday evening we spent at the Agape Community Center where we do service twice a week. It is a Christian after-school program/hang-out place for neighborhood teens. Every friday they have a special program--a combination of bible memory-verse contest, a time of sharing their dreams for this year's program, a Christian hip-hop dance, and singing. It has been great to make some connections with kids here in this neighborhood. I realize how different a culture I am in. Learning to share my story, how to be brave in meeting new people (as opposed to being scared of introducing myself in new settings), and appreciating a new culture here in Chicago is good preparation for Argentina I think.

- I took advantage of the gorgeous weather today, to go for a Sunday walk. I went to church this morning at Chicago Community Mennonite (a nice, small congregation), and then in the afternoon walked for 2 1/2 hours along the lakeshore. The sky was bright blue and sunny, the temperature a lovely early fall feel, and the pathways bustling with other Chicagoans enjoying the day. I sat stood by the shore at the Planetarium, looking towards Indiana. I fondly thought of all my loved ones, and said a prayer for each. I am looking forward to seeing some of you in my week before I leave for Argentina (Oct 22-27). Feel free to leave comments on this blog-site (that would make me happy), or email me. Chao.

Pic of us waiting for the El (the subway train):

Me and Dad in front of my house, the Faith house

Now at half-way point here in my training, I am reflecting on how things are going. There have been both positives and negatives. Positives would include learning to live in community, experiencing Chicago in a new way, having cross-cultural experiences, and working more on personal spiritual disciplines. Some things that have been bothering me--our teachings (which have been very well taught), have seemed sporatic, because our teachers only come to teach for a morning, and each teaches on a different topic. There isn't much connectedness between them. I think one of the major reasons for the sense of lack of structure in our days here is due to finanical concerns. RAD is at a pivotal point right now. Since changing it's focus to more Anabaptist theology (and being under new direction) this year, it lost some of its previous support from certain churches. This has resulted in financial strain--part of which is played out in the fact that there is no full-time staff person that lives with us here in Chicago. The Board of Directors for RAD have struggled over what the focus of RAD should be, and whether training or the outreach portion should take priority. Much of what happens this year for me and my group will determine the future structure of RAD, and if RAD continues at all. I feel like this program has so much potential, and although it is frustrating at times to be in the midst of transition, I know that God has a reason for me being here. God called me to this year of service, and I pray for the faith to trust in God and do God's work.

Some prayer requests:
- that I may be encouraged and feel secure in God's purpose for
me
-strength for the RAD staff as they guide us
-peace for this Chicago neighborhood, and for the work that God
is preparing for us in Argentina
-that the last portion of this training would be a fruitful time,
and prepare us for what lies ahead

I keep all my family, friends, and Brothers and Sisters at Prairie Street in my prayers. Hope you are all well, and would love to hear how things are going back home!